here is a link to blog with lots of information including a press release template on how to get the media to take notice of you and your event.
http://starandbluebird.wordpress.com/2008/12/04/dealing-with-the-media/
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
big fat rant
seriously... where are all the nice, normal, sane guys??? does australia have any???
because all I've found so far are the arseholes,/cheaters,/severe emotional problems/manipulative jerk types who think women are just there to look after them and be their "bed warmers"
I think I was right when I was a teenager.... I am never going to get married.
but... you know what? I'd rather remain single for the rest of my life than marry Mr wrong because I didn't want to be alone.
because all I've found so far are the arseholes,/cheaters,/severe emotional problems/manipulative jerk types who think women are just there to look after them and be their "bed warmers"
I think I was right when I was a teenager.... I am never going to get married.
but... you know what? I'd rather remain single for the rest of my life than marry Mr wrong because I didn't want to be alone.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Please sign this petition against animal cruelty
http://www.animalsaviors.org
It is about skinning animals while they are still alive for their fur. (Cats and dogs)
I haven't watched the video on the site because i have been warned how disgusting and cruel it is.. But I can imagine what goes on in the video.
Please please sign the petition!
(the video doesn't start automatically, so don't let that deter you)
It is about skinning animals while they are still alive for their fur. (Cats and dogs)
I haven't watched the video on the site because i have been warned how disgusting and cruel it is.. But I can imagine what goes on in the video.
Please please sign the petition!
(the video doesn't start automatically, so don't let that deter you)
Saturday, October 18, 2008
This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little.
This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little.
Once upon a time in a land far away,
A beautiful, independent, self assured princess
Happened upon a frog as she sat
Contemplating ecological issues on
The shores of an unpolluted pond
In a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess’s lap
And said: “Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince,
Until a evil witch cast a spell over me.
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn
Back into the dapper, young prince that I am
And then, my sweet, we can marry
And set up housekeeping in your castle
With my mother
Where you can prepare my meals,
Clean my clothes, bear my children,
And forever feel grateful
And happy doing so.
That night as the princess dined scrumptiously
On lightly sautéed frogs legs
Seasoned in white wine
And onion cream sauce,
She chuckled and though to herself
I don’t think so, froggy!!
Once upon a time in a land far away,
A beautiful, independent, self assured princess
Happened upon a frog as she sat
Contemplating ecological issues on
The shores of an unpolluted pond
In a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess’s lap
And said: “Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince,
Until a evil witch cast a spell over me.
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn
Back into the dapper, young prince that I am
And then, my sweet, we can marry
And set up housekeeping in your castle
With my mother
Where you can prepare my meals,
Clean my clothes, bear my children,
And forever feel grateful
And happy doing so.
That night as the princess dined scrumptiously
On lightly sautéed frogs legs
Seasoned in white wine
And onion cream sauce,
She chuckled and though to herself
I don’t think so, froggy!!
Friday, October 10, 2008
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
artist info
ABOUT THE ARTIST
~ Artist Quote ~
"I see nature as a beautifully painted portrait. My art is my way to show it." … Whittaker
Exhibits:
*Brisbane art expo.
*Bundaberg art centre: "the farmer remembers the somme"
*School of Art gallery: “Free Rein”
Published:
* Sketch media magazine – Artist Profile
* Member of Royal Queensland Art Society
* Member of EBSQ Self Representing Artists
* Member of Fine Art Registry
Represented by:
* Ico Gallery - New York
I work intuitively, spontaneously, and symbolically with the elements of time and space. Strong colours, gestures and brushwork all come together in dramatic and energetic compositions of my own particular iconography. I am fundamentally interested in conveying all the trials and tribulations of life, love and the beauty that can be found in it all. The warm happy colours I choose often contradict the underlying fierce emotions I wish to convey.
Throughout my life I have lived all over Australia and have seen many different places before moving to where I currently live in Bundaberg Queensland.
An award winning Artist, I paint using whichever tools feel right to portray the emotion of the piece and my art is shown in many Queensland and Melbourne homes.
The inspiration for my art comes from many sources, such as nature, dreams, my own imagination and the life I have lived.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Saturday, October 4, 2008
interest from americian art gallery
got an email today... a new york art gallery is interested in exhibiting my work.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
australia post sucks!!!
*sarcastic clap* well done australia post... you've managed to reach new heights of incompetence, just when I thought you couldn't do it you managed it.
never before have I gotten a notification today for something I couldn't pick up until tomorrow...
never before have I gotten a notification today for something I couldn't pick up until tomorrow...
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Paintings In Progress
two seascapes, one a calm tropical beach and the other a stormy ocean (reusing a canvas)
Friday, August 1, 2008
Ebay
art by Nicole Whittaker is also available at reduced prices on ebay.
http://myworld.ebay.com.au/impressionsoflife?_trksid=p1883.m159
http://myworld.ebay.com.au/impressionsoflife?_trksid=p1883.m159
Friday, June 27, 2008
my idea of heaven too.
this was just too beautiful not to share as I think this defines heaven beautifully.
A man is walking along a road with his faithful companion, after some time he realises the dog he is walking with has been dead for many years and thus he too must be dead.
After some time both he and the dog are getting tired and thirsty, and gradually arrive at some pearly gates, a golden building in the background. A man welcomes the traveler to the gates. Upon approaching the man the traveler asks for a glass of water, the man replies of course, we have cold iced water inside, please enter. The traveler inquires as to some water for his friend, but the man shakes his head and explains there are no pets allowed.
The traveler looks at his companion and declines the mans offer, he and the dog keep walking.
Some time later, they approach a farm, long grass growing in the meadows, fences in need of repair and a gate that looks as if it has never been shut. As the man and his companion approach they see an old man waiting at the gate for them. The man again asks for a drink, the old man says there is a hand pump and cup, help yourself. The traveler inquires for his companion, the man smiles and says there is a bowl next to the hand pump for your dog.
As the traveler pumps water for himself and the dog he asks the old man about the place back down the road. The old man smiles and says thats hell. The traveler stares at him and says but the pearly gates? the golden building? the man waiting at the gates? Thats false advertising! Doesn't it bother you?"
To which the old man smiled and said "No, they do all our screening for us, we wouldn't want to let someone in over here who would leave their best friend behind at the gates".
That's my idea of heaven :)
A man is walking along a road with his faithful companion, after some time he realises the dog he is walking with has been dead for many years and thus he too must be dead.
After some time both he and the dog are getting tired and thirsty, and gradually arrive at some pearly gates, a golden building in the background. A man welcomes the traveler to the gates. Upon approaching the man the traveler asks for a glass of water, the man replies of course, we have cold iced water inside, please enter. The traveler inquires as to some water for his friend, but the man shakes his head and explains there are no pets allowed.
The traveler looks at his companion and declines the mans offer, he and the dog keep walking.
Some time later, they approach a farm, long grass growing in the meadows, fences in need of repair and a gate that looks as if it has never been shut. As the man and his companion approach they see an old man waiting at the gate for them. The man again asks for a drink, the old man says there is a hand pump and cup, help yourself. The traveler inquires for his companion, the man smiles and says there is a bowl next to the hand pump for your dog.
As the traveler pumps water for himself and the dog he asks the old man about the place back down the road. The old man smiles and says thats hell. The traveler stares at him and says but the pearly gates? the golden building? the man waiting at the gates? Thats false advertising! Doesn't it bother you?"
To which the old man smiled and said "No, they do all our screening for us, we wouldn't want to let someone in over here who would leave their best friend behind at the gates".
That's my idea of heaven :)
Sunday, June 22, 2008
soul searching
I finally get it. I can't have a relationship with any other guy while I'm still living with xxx. I have to leave him completely before I can be with anyone else.
I told this guy I loved him and that was true but I realize now that if that was true I would have moved out so I could pursue a relationship with this guy. so what I'm going to do is move out and in with my friend.
I told this guy I loved him and that was true but I realize now that if that was true I would have moved out so I could pursue a relationship with this guy. so what I'm going to do is move out and in with my friend.
poetry
I have lost my one true love
through fault all my own
I lost my nerve, I lost my mind
the mistake was completely mine
what I would give to turn back time
to get on that plane and find you mine.
through fault all my own
I lost my nerve, I lost my mind
the mistake was completely mine
what I would give to turn back time
to get on that plane and find you mine.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Monday, June 16, 2008
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
I'm gonna be a published artist!!!
my art is going to be published in an art magazine. seen by people Australia wide
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Art tips.
1. take art lessons: both actual classes and from books, dvds, whatever you can get
2. practice: find pictures that capture your interest and copy them
3. promote yourself shamelessly on the internet: blogs, forums, places like myspace and facebook and create your own website.
4. create your own business cards with your site details, email address and put a good picture of your best artwork on it and give them to people at the slightest hint of interest in art. however remember that they have to show some interest or your card will end up in the bin.
2. practice: find pictures that capture your interest and copy them
3. promote yourself shamelessly on the internet: blogs, forums, places like myspace and facebook and create your own website.
4. create your own business cards with your site details, email address and put a good picture of your best artwork on it and give them to people at the slightest hint of interest in art. however remember that they have to show some interest or your card will end up in the bin.
40 things you should have learnt by now
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18.Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It's not the jeans that make your bum look fat.
26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we put the clocks back.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
38. Your friends love you anyway.
39. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
40. Karma is the be all and end all - need I say anymore!
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18.Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It's not the jeans that make your bum look fat.
26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we put the clocks back.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
38. Your friends love you anyway.
39. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
40. Karma is the be all and end all - need I say anymore!
Sunday, May 11, 2008
our choices of boyfriends
Why do we make such choices?
my exboyfriend sat around the house watching movies all day refused to get a job, showed no affection except when he wanted intimate relations and always had to have his own way. when my dad died (I was very close to my dad) he complained that I was making HIM uncomfortable and after 2 days when I wasn't acting like nothing had happened he threw a dvd at me told me to pull myself together, he wanted intimate relations and after saying a lot of other cruel stuff to me he stormed off to a friends place for the night.
where are all the decent kind compassionate caring men in the world???
my exboyfriend sat around the house watching movies all day refused to get a job, showed no affection except when he wanted intimate relations and always had to have his own way. when my dad died (I was very close to my dad) he complained that I was making HIM uncomfortable and after 2 days when I wasn't acting like nothing had happened he threw a dvd at me told me to pull myself together, he wanted intimate relations and after saying a lot of other cruel stuff to me he stormed off to a friends place for the night.
where are all the decent kind compassionate caring men in the world???
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Society
I think the saddest thing is that people think they have to change who they are in order to be accepted. women and girls think they have to act a certain way, look a certain way, have breast enlargements, wear make up or have plastic surgery in order for males to like them.
on the male side, there is this male macho thing where guys think that if don't they act tough all the time then they will be considered less of a man.
People should be able to be who they are.
personally I tell guys that give me advice on how I need to act or what I need to do to my body in order for them to be interested in me to go screw themselves because with that attitude no one will do it for them. rude I know but guys like that annoy me.
and guys, it's ok to show affection, tenderness or emotion generally. it doesn't make less of a man it makes you more of one and it's a real hit with the ladies lol.
on the male side, there is this male macho thing where guys think that if don't they act tough all the time then they will be considered less of a man.
People should be able to be who they are.
personally I tell guys that give me advice on how I need to act or what I need to do to my body in order for them to be interested in me to go screw themselves because with that attitude no one will do it for them. rude I know but guys like that annoy me.
and guys, it's ok to show affection, tenderness or emotion generally. it doesn't make less of a man it makes you more of one and it's a real hit with the ladies lol.
Horses
This is nothing about art but the rights of animals is something I feel strongly about.
I was watching the morning news and there was a report on a horse race and after the race a horse who had a ankle fracture had to be put down. now I understand the process one has to go through to heal the fractures or breaks of horse legs but what really bugs me is that people will go to the ends of the earth and try everything (no matter how unlikely it is to work) to save a human life, nothing is considered too hard however the horse is put down for an injury to it's leg.
I belive in the sancity of all life and that if it is possible to save a life (human or animal) then it should be saved.
ok, I'm off my soapbox now lol the horse thing just really bugs me.
I was watching the morning news and there was a report on a horse race and after the race a horse who had a ankle fracture had to be put down. now I understand the process one has to go through to heal the fractures or breaks of horse legs but what really bugs me is that people will go to the ends of the earth and try everything (no matter how unlikely it is to work) to save a human life, nothing is considered too hard however the horse is put down for an injury to it's leg.
I belive in the sancity of all life and that if it is possible to save a life (human or animal) then it should be saved.
ok, I'm off my soapbox now lol the horse thing just really bugs me.
Friday, May 2, 2008
Does skill matter?
Does skill in art matter? or is it better to throw a couple of things at each other and think up a very angst ridden story for it? I was reading this rant on how to be a sucessful artist and although it's very cynical it also contains quite a lot of truth in it.
HOW TO BE A SUCCESSFUL ARTIST Step One: Become an abstractionist. Art school isn't about expression. It isn't about self-exploration. You will have to accept that art schools exist to advance an agenda. That agenda? Abstract Expressionism. Abstract Expressionism is now your style of choice. Congratulations. You are clearly a genius. It's time to practice your art. Buy lots of canvas, reams and reams of canvas, and lay it flat against the floor of your studio. Buy buckets of house paint, preferably clashing colors. Whip it around the canvas. Do it with your eyes closed, because that's obviously the best way. Drink Jim Beam while you paint. Stomp around the canvas in your fashionable, fashionable boots. Strip bare-ass naked, roll around in the paint. Nauseate yourself on the vapors, and spit up on your masterpiece-in-progress. So pretty. When you've finished, give it a title. Pick something nonsensical. Gloomy emotions are good. "Envy." "Inhumanity." "Despair." Gloomy equals deep. If you can't be interesting, being depressed is the next best thing, isn't it? I don't give a crap about how you feel, but someone else just might. You never know. Repeat this process several times a week, until you can finish an entire bottle of booze and an entire painting in a single night. You are now an abstract artist. This is an important step. I'll bet you knew that. So smart. "Kitsch" and "Greenburgian" are now your two favorite words. Anything that is not Abstract is Kitsch, and anything that is Abstract is Greenburgian. Memorize this. Survey any painting, sculpture or installation with a recognizable depiction of a person, place, or thing with detached condescension and poorly-masked disgust. These people have no imagination. By learning to draw before attempting fine art, they have interrupted the process of pure creation. They do not deserve your respect. They are Kitsch. Greenburgian Abstractionists are your soul brothers. Seek them out, and win their friendship by making snide remarks about the stupidity of the public, the annoyance of art drawn from life, and the ignorance of artists who are foolish enough to learn to depict the human form. Speak of Jackson Pollack, Willem DeKooning and Mark Rothko with worshipful tears glistening in your upturned eyes, taking frequent breaks to compose yourself in between bursts of praise. When finished, make rueful remarks about how the Abstractionist movement was eventually "ruined." If asked to elaborate, look disbelievingly at your audience, and ask them if they've been in a gallery recently. Describe such art as "labored," "insincere," and any other subjective adjectives you can think of. You are now an insufferably haughty abstract artist Step Three: Cultivate an image. To survive art school, you will need a persona. No one gives a good God damn about how you paint, because everything you make looks fucking exactly like everything else all the other students there do. Will you be a Bad Boy? A Beatnik? An Art Punk? Decide. Choose something rare in the social circles you frequent, for the sake of "originality." Keep drinking. Develop a nutty, crazy, sociopathic personality. (The one you have now isn't good enough. I promise you that.) Be rude, sexist, eco-terroristic, clinically depressed, reckless. The sky's the limit, children. One restraint: try not to be prejudiced. Feel free to despise the opposite sex, but racism is gauche. It went out with Action Painting. You will look dated. And no, Jews don't count. Lucky you. If you happen to be female, take every opportunity to strip naked and photograph yourself in erotic, suggestive positions and situations. Claim you do it in the name of "empowerment." Claim it has nothing to do with your desperate need for attention. Claim the chocolate syrup and cherries dripping from your shaven genitals in the spread beaver shot are metaphors. Claim the nipple clamps are "decontextualized." Claim you are not another embarassment to the gender with nothing unique to say, appealling to the lowest common denominator. You're not a porn star, sweetheart. You're an artist. You're still drinking, aren't you? Clearly. Have another. Turn your new personality on in the presence of art dealers, art buyers, school alumni, faculty, and gallery owners. Drink excessively. Make crude remarks about world affairs. Dress the part. Kilts, unnatural hairstyles, vinyl clothing, or a fashion sense derailed in the 1920s or 30s is highly suggested. If you wear glasses, make them cat's eyes or hornrims. The key word here is INTERESTING. Be that. Your art is garbage, but it will be bought for the sake of keeping you around. Everybody loves a clown. You are now a phony, insufferably haughty, abstract artist. With money. And you sicken me. Step Four: Drop out. I said you would survive art school. I said nothing about finishing it. Find a reason to become disgusted with school. It doesn't have to be a big one. You can do the work and make it big. Maybe your fifteen-foot-long canvas splashed with bile-yellow car paint was rejected from the student show because the curator couldn't get it through the door. That's more than enough. Use your imagination, for God's sake. The offense needn't be real. Throw a tantrum. Make it a blowout. Get unendurably drunk, just really loaded, and go apeshit on school property. Scream about being misunderstood, or taken for granted. Break something. Break lots of things. Break other people. Break yourself. Cutting or injuring yourself is a big, big plus. Try to spill some blood. Finally, tear out of the building or off the campus is a storm of profanity. Never come back. The next day, tell everyone you know that you flirted with suicide, and that the experience was "your soul's darkest hour." They will believe you. They will eat your shit up. The resulting attention should translate into a significant spike in the sales of your worthless paintings. You are now a lying, irrational, phony, insufferably haughty abstract artist with lots and lots of money. And you have survived art school.
HOW TO BE A SUCCESSFUL ARTIST Step One: Become an abstractionist. Art school isn't about expression. It isn't about self-exploration. You will have to accept that art schools exist to advance an agenda. That agenda? Abstract Expressionism. Abstract Expressionism is now your style of choice. Congratulations. You are clearly a genius. It's time to practice your art. Buy lots of canvas, reams and reams of canvas, and lay it flat against the floor of your studio. Buy buckets of house paint, preferably clashing colors. Whip it around the canvas. Do it with your eyes closed, because that's obviously the best way. Drink Jim Beam while you paint. Stomp around the canvas in your fashionable, fashionable boots. Strip bare-ass naked, roll around in the paint. Nauseate yourself on the vapors, and spit up on your masterpiece-in-progress. So pretty. When you've finished, give it a title. Pick something nonsensical. Gloomy emotions are good. "Envy." "Inhumanity." "Despair." Gloomy equals deep. If you can't be interesting, being depressed is the next best thing, isn't it? I don't give a crap about how you feel, but someone else just might. You never know. Repeat this process several times a week, until you can finish an entire bottle of booze and an entire painting in a single night. You are now an abstract artist. This is an important step. I'll bet you knew that. So smart. "Kitsch" and "Greenburgian" are now your two favorite words. Anything that is not Abstract is Kitsch, and anything that is Abstract is Greenburgian. Memorize this. Survey any painting, sculpture or installation with a recognizable depiction of a person, place, or thing with detached condescension and poorly-masked disgust. These people have no imagination. By learning to draw before attempting fine art, they have interrupted the process of pure creation. They do not deserve your respect. They are Kitsch. Greenburgian Abstractionists are your soul brothers. Seek them out, and win their friendship by making snide remarks about the stupidity of the public, the annoyance of art drawn from life, and the ignorance of artists who are foolish enough to learn to depict the human form. Speak of Jackson Pollack, Willem DeKooning and Mark Rothko with worshipful tears glistening in your upturned eyes, taking frequent breaks to compose yourself in between bursts of praise. When finished, make rueful remarks about how the Abstractionist movement was eventually "ruined." If asked to elaborate, look disbelievingly at your audience, and ask them if they've been in a gallery recently. Describe such art as "labored," "insincere," and any other subjective adjectives you can think of. You are now an insufferably haughty abstract artist Step Three: Cultivate an image. To survive art school, you will need a persona. No one gives a good God damn about how you paint, because everything you make looks fucking exactly like everything else all the other students there do. Will you be a Bad Boy? A Beatnik? An Art Punk? Decide. Choose something rare in the social circles you frequent, for the sake of "originality." Keep drinking. Develop a nutty, crazy, sociopathic personality. (The one you have now isn't good enough. I promise you that.) Be rude, sexist, eco-terroristic, clinically depressed, reckless. The sky's the limit, children. One restraint: try not to be prejudiced. Feel free to despise the opposite sex, but racism is gauche. It went out with Action Painting. You will look dated. And no, Jews don't count. Lucky you. If you happen to be female, take every opportunity to strip naked and photograph yourself in erotic, suggestive positions and situations. Claim you do it in the name of "empowerment." Claim it has nothing to do with your desperate need for attention. Claim the chocolate syrup and cherries dripping from your shaven genitals in the spread beaver shot are metaphors. Claim the nipple clamps are "decontextualized." Claim you are not another embarassment to the gender with nothing unique to say, appealling to the lowest common denominator. You're not a porn star, sweetheart. You're an artist. You're still drinking, aren't you? Clearly. Have another. Turn your new personality on in the presence of art dealers, art buyers, school alumni, faculty, and gallery owners. Drink excessively. Make crude remarks about world affairs. Dress the part. Kilts, unnatural hairstyles, vinyl clothing, or a fashion sense derailed in the 1920s or 30s is highly suggested. If you wear glasses, make them cat's eyes or hornrims. The key word here is INTERESTING. Be that. Your art is garbage, but it will be bought for the sake of keeping you around. Everybody loves a clown. You are now a phony, insufferably haughty, abstract artist. With money. And you sicken me. Step Four: Drop out. I said you would survive art school. I said nothing about finishing it. Find a reason to become disgusted with school. It doesn't have to be a big one. You can do the work and make it big. Maybe your fifteen-foot-long canvas splashed with bile-yellow car paint was rejected from the student show because the curator couldn't get it through the door. That's more than enough. Use your imagination, for God's sake. The offense needn't be real. Throw a tantrum. Make it a blowout. Get unendurably drunk, just really loaded, and go apeshit on school property. Scream about being misunderstood, or taken for granted. Break something. Break lots of things. Break other people. Break yourself. Cutting or injuring yourself is a big, big plus. Try to spill some blood. Finally, tear out of the building or off the campus is a storm of profanity. Never come back. The next day, tell everyone you know that you flirted with suicide, and that the experience was "your soul's darkest hour." They will believe you. They will eat your shit up. The resulting attention should translate into a significant spike in the sales of your worthless paintings. You are now a lying, irrational, phony, insufferably haughty abstract artist with lots and lots of money. And you have survived art school.
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